Close to Normal

Pumpkin Hummus rocks!

2010-11-25T17:10:00.000-06:00

2 C cooked or canned garbanzos, liquid drained and kept separate

1 C canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)

4 tbsp tahini

1 tsp powdered garlic or 1 sm. clove fresh

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 tsp cayenne

Ground chipotle or smoked paprika to taste

Salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste

In a food processor or blender, combine garbanzo beans and pumpkin. Process until smooth, adding garbanzo liquid in small amounts as needed to puree the mixture.

Add tahini, garlic, lemon juice and cayenne, pulsing until smooth. Add salt, pepper and chipotle or paprika to taste.

A Gardener's Thanksgiving by Max Coots

2010-11-21T15:46:00.001-06:00

We read this poem every year at our church

during our Thanksgiving service.

I love it because it expresses gratitude

in concrete terms.

A Gardener's Thanksgiving

By Max Coots

Let us give thanks for a bounty of people.
     
For children who are our second planting, and though they 
grow like weeds and the wind too soon blows them away, may 
they forgive us our cultivation and fondly remember where 
their roots are.
     
Let us give thanks;
     
For generous friends...with hearts...and smiles as bright 
as their blossoms;
     
For feisty friends, as tart as apples;
     
For continuous friends, who, like scallions and cucumbers, 
keep reminding us that we've had them;
     
For crotchety friends, sour as rhubarb and as indestructible;
     
For handsome friends, who are as gorgeous as eggplants and 
as elegant as a row of corn, and the others, as plain as 
potatoes and so good for you;
     
For funny friends, who are as silly as Brussels sprouts and 
as amusing as Jerusalem artichokes;
     
And serious friends as unpretentious as cabbages, as subtle 
as summer squash, as persistent as parsley, as delightful as 
dill, as endless as zucchini and who, like parsnips, can be 
counted on to see you through the winter;
     
For old friends, nodding like sunflowers in the evening-time, 
and young friends coming on as fast as radishes;
     
For loving friends, who wind around us like tendrils and hold 
us, despite our blights, wilts and witherings;
     
And finally, for those friends now gone, like gardens past 
that have been harvested, but who fed us in their times that 
we might have life thereafter.
     
For all these we give thanks.

After 8 years of the Bush/Cheney disaster, NOW you get mad?

2010-11-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know who wrote it, but it's right on the money....

After The 8 Years Of The Bush/Cheney Disaster, Now You Get Mad?

You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and
appointed a President.

You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to
dictate Energy policy and push us to invade Iraq.

You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.

You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no
threat to us.

You didn't get mad when we spent over 800 billion (and counting) on
said illegal war.
     You didn't get mad when Bush borrowed more money from foreign sources
than the previous 42 Presidents combined.
You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars in cash just
disappeared in Iraq.

You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn't get mad when Bush embraced trade and outsourcing policies
that shipped 6 million American jobs out of the country.

You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping
Americans.

You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden.
You didn't get mad when Bush rang up 10 trillion dollars in combined
budget and current account deficits.
You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn't get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.

You didn't get mad when we gave people who had more money than they
could spend, the filthy rich, over a trillion dollars in tax breaks.

You didn't get mad with the worst 8 years of job creations in several
decades.

You didn't get mad when over 200,000 US Citizens lost their lives
because they had no health insurance.

You didn't get mad when lack of oversight and regulations from the Bush
Administration caused US Citizens to lose 12 trillion dollars in
investments, retirement, and home values.        You finally got mad when a black man was elected President and decided
that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are
sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, job losses by the
millions, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, and the
worst economic disaster since 1929 are all okay with you, but helping
fellow Americans who are sick...Oh, Hell No!!

Rut Roh

2010-06-26T17:05:00.001-05:00

It's amazing to me how often and easily I get stuck in my way of thinking. Stupid example: I hated flossed my teeth and so I never did it. It hurt. My spouse flosses before she brushes. I tried it. It hurts less. Now I floss on a regular basis. It never occurred to me that I could floss before brushing...because "that's not how it's done." At least I guess that's my thinking. I get stuck in other problems the same way. For years - and by that I mean 25 or more - I've struggled to get 8 hours of sleep. Not because I don't sleep well - because I don't go to bed early enough. I've prayed, I've talked, I've tried to bully myself into it... Nothing worked. One night I went to bed early enough. I wasn't paying attention to the dilemma that I'd been focused on for years. When I thought about it the next day, I realized I had listened to my body. I felt tired, so I went to sleep. I was paying more attention to how tired I was than to the problem. My mind was free to pay attention to other things. It's why I get good ideas while showering or doing dishes. I'm allowing my mind to relax (most of the time). A different part of my brain engages and can free associate because I'm not in the rut of the same thoughts and problems.

That's connected somehow to a dilemma I've been working and talking about at work. I have a coworker who has made up his mind about another coworker of ours. He interprets everything she does through his lens of dislike and cynicism. I do it too - I suspect many of us do. I have another coworker who in the past has been a thorn in my side at meetings. He was - in the nicest possible way - trying to take over and control the meeting. The facilitator fortunately was open to my observations and suggestions. We gave the meeting attendee a small area to control and on which he could be the expert. We also encouraged others to step up by asking them cover particular topics.We more evenly distributed the power in the meeting. Since then I've been trying to responding to the attendee as if he is being helpful.It turns out he is. He has good ideas. I would have dismissed if I'd been stuck in seeing all his actions as controlling. I'm working on being open-minded. About people and ideas.

A couple years ago I was bitching to my counselor. I'd been looking for work in a new field (marketing) for about a year. Nothing was coming. She suggested that perhaps I was not looking in the right direction. I was sure marketing was the path for me. I agreed to "be open to being surprised" as she put it. Shortly after that I found a job listing for a communications and org change consultant. I've been in that job for the past 2 1/2 years. Around the same time I had an experience that pushed me in the direction of writing. No idea where I'm going from here. So far the being open thing has worked better than my brain ruts, so I'm going with it.

Money vs. fun

2010-04-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Helped out at the spring GLT fundraiser and came up with a new graphic (not nearly as creative as thisisindexed.com, but it illustrates a point).
Money vs Fun

The Cost of Not Teaching Emotional Literacy

2010-02-14T17:04:00.001-06:00

Today when I logged on to check my email, there was an article about an Alabama professor who shot several colleagues, apparently because she was resentful about being denied tenure. There’s more history there clearly – she shot and killed her 18-year-old brother in 1986 in what she said was an accident. And several times people interviewed referred to her as “odd.” (Sounds like Asperger’s to me.) So no conclusions – it’s way more complicated than just resentment. And yet I can’t help wondering about how much of a factor blame is. How much her inability to deal with disappointment contributed. It’s not just her, of course. I hate disappointment as much as the next person, and I love to blame my feelings on others. It’s a cultural thing.

Yesterday my friend F and I were listening to the first CD of Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication. He said there’s been research done and that cultures that use less violent language have (not surprisingly) exhibit less violence.

What’s the cure? I can’t fix the culture – hell, I can’t even fix myself. I just keep observing and gathering in and praying. I think that’s all we can do.

The Chiropractor's Response

2010-02-07T06:58:00.005-06:00

Verbatim:

Julia,

Sorry for the delay in sending a response to your letter, I have been out of town for awhile. I take these issues very much to heart. Thank you for expressing your concerns. I can only correct a problem if I know it exists, so I appreciate your comments. First of all I want to express my sincere apology that you felt threatened by my office. People put a lot of trust in us to help them with healing, and I have always strived to create an uplifting and safe environment for my patients. This was obviously not the case with you. I have had a lengthy discussion with Jason since receiving your letter. He is very passionate about his beliefs, and it is difficult for him to turn that off while at work. I have made it very clear with him that actions were inappropriate, and I do not expect that they will happen again.

I very much enjoyed working with you, and you seem to be a wonderful person who does more than your share of good for the community.

I am glad to hear that your chiropractic experience in our office was good, and I am disappointed that I will not have the chance to help you with your condition. Ryan McLaughlin and Monica Schnack are very good chiropractors, and close to my office. I would recommend either of them, if you wish to continue care.

Again, I apologize for the actions of my staff, and I am truly sorry that you were hurt. I wish you much happiness and success in life.

Sincerely,

______________

Letter to the Chiropractor I Won't See Again

2010-01-13T18:48:00.004-06:00

January 10, 2010

Dr. _______,

I won’t be returning to your office for treatment and I want to explain why.

I am pleased with the medical care I received. Your biomechanical exam was the most complete I’ve had. Thank you for your thoroughness and care. The quality of the care you provided made my decision not to return particularly difficult. The problem is that I no longer feel emotionally safe in your offices, because of a conversation I had last week with ______, the young man who provides ultrasound treatment.

While working on my neck and shoulders, he and I talked about his plans to be a teacher and his current volunteer work teaching Sunday school in Sunnyside – both of which I am impressed by and commended him for. _____ then asked me if I attend church. I told him we had been attending the Unitarian Church because it is one of the only places we feel welcomed as a same-sex couple – and I added that I think it’s ridiculous that we don’t feel welcome at other churches. _____’s response was, “Well, if you believe in the Bible, it’s a problem.”

I told him I see it as a spirit-of-the-law rather than a letter-of-the-law thing. He asked what I meant, and I said, “God either loves us or he doesn’t. I didn’t choose to be the way I am (who would?) and I don’t believe God would have made me this way if he didn’t want me to be this way.” _____ said he has been given the choice about what behavior to engage in. I told him that I believe God loves me exactly as I am, to which he responded, “Well, there’s the concept of loving the sinner and hating the sin.”

We were finished with my treatment and as I got up to leave I asked him if he’d chosen to be attracted to women. He said no, and I responded, “Neither did I.”
My heart hurt all the way home and I spent most of the evening on the phone with friends dealing with my pain and sadness. No one has ever had the nerve to call my relationship a sin to my face before.

As a business owner, you are no doubt aware that telling your patients that their behavior is sinful is a poor business practice. I have many friends in this community – some straight, some not, some Christian, some not. All of them will be appalled when I tell them this story – and I will tell all of them. The ones with whom I’ve already talked certainly have been disturbed by it.

I’m sure you are also cognizant as a healer that restoring health requires safe space. Making one of your patients feel hurt, judged, and unwelcome isn’t very conducive to healing.

_____’s attitude also worries me for the students with whom he will interact. Suicide rates among gay and lesbian youth are much higher than in the general population. Will he respond in the same judgmental way when one of his students confides that he’s gay? Everyone deserves to feel supported and accepted for who they are.

My spouse and I are both active and productive members of this community. We’ve served on committees at our church, helped prepare meals for Home Sweet Home mission, volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, the Fuller Center, the McLean County Arts Center and the public radio station, among others. My spouse traveled three times to Mississippi, using her vacation time to help with rebuilding efforts following Katrina.

Being in a loving, healthy relationship has made much of that possible, because being loved enables us to pass it on to others. I don’t know if you agree with Jason’s views or not, but I hope not. I personally don’t believe that anything that brings more love into the world is wrong in God’s eyes.

I wish both you and _____ only love and joy.

Many blessings,

L is for Lines

2009-12-07T06:01:00.001-06:00

Lines in my face
Seem most unkind
Cause I'm still 33
In the back of my mind.

But there they are now
As clear as can be
They began to appear
When I turned 43.

It's really not bad -
They're a map of my life
Without all those miles
I'd have not met my wife.

K is for Knees - ABCs for the Aging

2009-11-15T11:15:00.000-06:00

K is for knees.

I miss them alot -
they served me quite well.
Now they ache and they pop
and sure feel like hell.

Public Radio Listeners - Smart and Cool

2009-11-15T10:09:00.010-06:00

I helped answer phones yesterday at our local public radio station (WGLT News, Blues and All That Jazz @ www.wglt.org). After a conversation with one of the staff, I drew the following diagram. Thanks to Jessica Hagy (www.thisisindexed.com) and Aaron Wissmiller for the inspiration.

J is for Joints

2009-10-24T18:12:00.002-05:00

Seems all of a sudden
the damn things now ache
Some_times late at night
they keep me awake.

None are artificial
but the day is surely coming;
when I'm finally all bionic
I hope to resume running.

Credit for this one primarily goes to my spouse.

I is for Irritable - a bonus rhyme

2009-10-23T06:23:00.001-05:00

I is for Irritable.

What is wrong with these drivers?
Some too slow, some too fast.
Being patient, it seems,
is a thing of the past.

I is for Ice

2009-10-23T06:04:00.003-05:00

The bar has been raised. My sweetie contributed most of the first multi-stanza rhyme:

I is for Ice.

Cold packs in my freezer
I use day and night
On parts of my body
That don't feel quite right.

They ache and they swell
When I use them a lot.
So much inflammation -
And then they feel hot.

So now at day's end
Ice and I are good friends -
While it does me no harm,
Now I cannot get warm.

H is for Humor

2009-10-21T18:53:00.000-05:00

H is for humor.

While at times it looks bleak
as we crest that old hill
we must laugh at ourselves
for others sure will.

G is for Grey

2009-10-14T20:54:00.001-05:00

It's coming in faster
More and more I can see
Should I cover it up
Or leave my hair be?

(OK, I know - not my best.)

F is for Fuzzy

2009-10-13T16:56:00.000-05:00

My eyesight and my brain
both leave me feeling vexed
It's sad to not remember
what I planned on doing next.

E is for Energy

2009-10-13T16:53:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking I had pep,
sometime back when.
Now I'm wiped out and in bed
10 minutes past 10.

D is for Doctors

2009-10-13T16:52:00.004-05:00

Which ones are good
and which ones are slugs?
We swap their names
like tips on good drugs.

C is for Crabby

2009-10-08T06:14:00.001-05:00

Whether hormones or aging,
My patience is short.
It seems I've become the cranky old sort.

B is for Bottles

2009-10-07T21:14:00.001-05:00

Blood pressure, iron
Each week a new set
I know that I'm aging;
I'm not Grandma yet.

A is for Aches - ABCs for the Aging

2009-10-07T06:56:00.004-05:00

Stayed tuned (or follow me on Twitter) for ABCs for the Aging - An Alphabet for Boomers.

A is for Aches

They're everywhere now;
so many - who knew?
Our bodies are failing;
our memories are too.

How the Health Care Debate Became a Debacle - An Org Change Management Cautionary Tale

2009-09-20T14:57:00.004-05:00

If the Obama Administration had used Organizational Change Management principles, the health care debate would look very different now. The lead strategists didn't anticipate the resistance. If they had started with Town Hall Meetings and an address to Congress, they could have started to develop awareness of the need for change and desire to change, the way a successful organizational management strategy would lay out. Has there ever been a better example of how not to handle change? What a mess. Once more, Democrats didn't plan well. We have squandered the chance to change this country in wonderful ways. Will we ever learn?

Can Someone Explain the Appeal of Twitter to Me?

2009-05-03T10:18:00.002-05:00

I joined and am following a couple folks, but I think I'm missing some essential understanding of Twitter. Can anyone explain this to me?

If He Can Do It....

2009-04-11T06:58:00.003-05:00

I decided I wanted to run. I've always wanted to be a runner, but had bad knees that I've finally outgrown. So I decided it was time. I was motivated by watching my neighbor die of congestive heart failure. He reached a point, not long before his death, where he could not walk across the room and breathe. My other motivation is seeing some absolutely enormous people walking the halls at work. Waddling is more like it. It is such a visual representation of all that is decadent and overindulgent and unhealthy about Americans lives. I never, ever want to look like that.

So about a year ago, I started moving towards being physically fit. I've never been athletic and never been in good shape. I know the fibromyalgia makes physical activity painful, but that's just how it is for me. I'm not going to let it stop me. The Steamboat Classic race in Peoria - the world's fastest four mile race - has a training program for beginning runners. I did it as a walker a few years ago and at the end was in better shape than I'd ever been in. This year I decided it was time to run it.

The first night of the training was Wednesday. Everyone walks a mile out from the Riverplex, then runs (or walks) back. Based on your time running the mile, you put yourself in groups according to speed. I've been walking and running on my own - walking a few minutes, jogging a few - so I hoped I could jog the whole mile, I didn't really think I'd be able to.

I jogged almost the whole mile! About three quarters of the way through I stopped jogging and walked - quickly - for two or three minutes, but then I started jogging again. On the one hand, I am pretty proud of myself. On the other, it's pretty pathetic that after jogging less than a mile I could hardly walk the next day.

And the best part? I get to the end, having run/walked a 14 minute mile. I get with the slowest group, which would be the 13 minute mile group - they don't even have one for my speed (if you can call it that). Of the four trainers working with the group, the one clearly in charge is an older man. As he's telling us how the program works, Sal, the guy who runs the program, comes up and says he wants to tell us two things about the older man. One is that he's available and the other is that...he's 78 years old.

Sal adds that if a 78-year-old can do it, so can we. Sal should know. When he did the training program many years ago he couldn't run a quarter of a mile. So there's hope for me yet. The trainers made a point to say that by June 20th, we'll be able to run 4 miles, though one of the non-runners said she wanted that in writing. I'll let you know how things progress.

Revising My Self Image

2009-03-27T09:03:00.002-05:00

I had a nice visit with my dad. It felt good to be able to help both him and his partner. It was also was a relief to see that he's still his funny, loving, occasionally obnoxious self. He's doing his schtick with the nurses and loves entertaining them. He also seems to be adjusting to his vision limitations and not running into things as often. While I was there a couple of my brother's friends (who have met my dad) sent a package of food from Russ and Daughters deli in NY - 4 different kinds of smoked fish, bagels and bialys, two kinds of cream cheese and two kinds of herring. My dad was very moved - and I may have to try their chopped liver.

The most remarkable part of the visit was what I learned about my family - and my role in it. I have always seen myself as the difficult child. The "identified problem" in family systems theory. According to my dad, however, I was just a normal teenager, but my brother was "truly a pain in the ass." What?!? He described my brother as demanding and arrogant and again called him a pain in the ass. I had NO IDEA, and once again need to revise my view of myself.

God (?) is Good

2009-03-06T22:17:00.004-06:00

My dad started radiation this week; I'll go visit at the end of the month. He sounds fine and, except for listing slightly to the left (he doesn't see well out of his left eye), is getting around without any problems. I was sick, then my spouse was. My spouse's mom was in hospice care and then died last week - L. is the executor so she's been dealing with all kinds of not-very-fun stuff. It's been a strange journey the past few weeks.

Love - in the form of food - has poured into this house and been awe-inspiring. I had a weird conversation with my mom about spirituality (any conversation with my mom about spirituality is bound to be weird). Today I was listening to Christian radio (yes - hang in here with me) - it is inspirational, even having to do the translating. I do believe that I've been healed by god (read: love). I found myself crying this morning while listening to songs about having faith and knowing I'm loved during times of pain. Crying in joy, pain, sorrow, awe and everything.

Years ago I heard an episode of Prairie Home Companion about a guy who went out ice fishing. He broke his leg and lay on the ice, knowing he would die if no one found him soon. He wasn't expected anywhere so no one would miss him for awhile. But his wife came looking for him. When she found him lying there, all he could say was "God is good. God is good."

However you spell or define god - amen.

On a different note - but related through the idea of the wonderment of the world - is feedback I received from an ebay seller (warning: a little bragging. But the point is the originality of the feedback, not my behavior.) "I'm more likely to drink tea with Bigfoot than to find another buyer this good." If there were awards for most creative feedback (maybe there are?) that would be my pick for winner.

The World Has Stopped Turning

2009-02-20T21:34:00.003-06:00

The world has stopped turning.

My father couldn't figure out where to put a spoon in the dishwasher today.

How can this have happened? A week ago he was diagnosed with brain cancer with a little more than a year to live. Now he can't navigate his kitchen.

I have stepped into the Twilight Zone - a show I always hated precisely because it made me feel crazy and disoriented like I'd entered a Fun House at a small town fair - and I never understood why anyone thought those were fun. They were horrible and disconcerting, with an sharp edge of menace, like clowns. Disorienting like when you look up suddenly and everything familiar seems foreign just for a second or two. But much, much worse, because this is real. Unspeakably real.

The Death of Discomfort

2009-02-17T20:55:00.003-06:00

I heard a story about local politics on the radio this evening that interested me. I may not be getting the details right, but I think the gist of the story was that a county board member has called for a review of job qualifications for county employees. He did this because one county employee equated homosexuality with pedophilia in explaining why he thought the county shouldn't adopt a non-discrimination policy.

The part that struck me was the comment by the county employee. He referred to sensitivity training by saying (I'm paraphrasing) "People have to sit in these workshops and hear things they don't agree with."

At first I was appalled - actually I still am. How did we arrive at a place where people think they should only have to listen to information that is comfortable or that they agree with? But here's the rub - haven't we (lesbians/liberals/allies/social work-type people) helped create that belief? By insisting that people not say things that offend us? By screaming until things like sensitivity training developed?

So we've said "Don't say things that offend us" and we insist that people go to workshops so so they can learn what they shouldn't say because it will offend us - but the workshops offend those people. Does anyone else see the conundrum here? More importantly, I'd love to hear ideas about how one could possibly resolve the seeming contradiction.

Grace

2009-02-12T16:20:00.006-06:00

This is the breath-giving video, The Sky in Motion, I referred to in my January 10 blog entry. You can also see it in on youtube, or in a bigger format at theskyinmotion.com

túrána hott kurdís by hasta la otra méxico! from Till Credner on Vimeo.

Breathing Again

2009-02-12T15:55:00.006-06:00

My dad is home after the neurosurgery and I've talked to him briefly a couple times.

The radiologist who consulted with Dad before he left the hospital was hopeful that Dad could be around for a couple of years. We won't know more about his health until he goes in - a couple weeks from now - to look at options (what balance of chemo and radiation to do).

My uncle and my brother are there now, then my stepbrother will visit, then my brother again (he's in SF, which is 3 hours from Reno). There are lots of logistics to figure out - Dad can't see much out of his left eye. He apparently is crashing around because he's unsteady, which would be funny except it's not. He will probably never drive again, though alive and not driving is OK by me. They will have to figure out how to get him out of the house so he's not totally dependent on his partner to go everywhere.

Dad said I should not fly out in March("the weather's lousy here in March") as I planned to. I'm waiting for an opinion from my brother about whether it would be helpful if I was there, regardless of the weather. He said he'll know more after he goes back there next week.

He's just as ornery as ever - he had a friend bring Kentucky Fried Chicken to the hospital. I can breathe again.

"That's what carbon-based life forms do."

2009-02-06T21:32:00.005-06:00

or Mindfulness By Any Other Name....

On the phone after asking how my post-surgical dog is, my dad told me he was going to ruin my day. He has a brain tumor.

We talked for awhile about symptoms - his vision is not good, which he realized after he had cataracts removed. Later in the conversation he said, "People ask why these things happen. Why? Because that's what carbon-based life forms do. They break down after awhile."

After the second opinion, which brought a poor prognosis, he called again and at one point said, "Look, it's better than Alzheimer's. It's better than watching your kid die."

He's a fatalist but somehow that becomes faith. Grounded, tethered to reason and sanity, and spiritual all at the same time. His cynical atheism, which should in theory lead to despair, somehow creates grace.

Speaking of grace, I realized tonight that I don't feel punished or sorry for myself. It just is. The focus of my spirituality isn't how pain is created. Whatever love there is in the universe can whisper quietly or hold me in its arms.

A song with the cadence of a waltz came on my car radio - and I realized I have been dancing with sorrow. In and out, forward and back in some primordial rhythm - gently. Oddly comforting.

The Option to Suffer

2009-01-10T21:58:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about suffering. I was told by a therapist that suffering for me is like breathing. I hated hearing it, and she's right. Since then I've let go of some of it, and I continue to work. I've been unhappy with myself lately, though, and suffering because of it. I'm a jackass in my car. I'm impatient and rude and obnoxious. I hate admitting that. Not all the time, but often. It's a great indicator of my spiritual condition. I used to take pride in letting folks in front of me because I didn't care to get there sooner. I was going to a lot more meetings then - reading spiritual literature often. Hmmm - not rocket science. But knowing what I need to do to make my life better doesn't mean I do it.

I've just started working with a personal coach (check out www.candyspitz.com). She and I talked last week and came up with a great plan of all these things I was going to do - I did a couple of them, but not consistently. I have been working on being more physically active. I did some fitness walking in the concourse yesterday, ran up three flights of stairs and a couple times this week did the Walk at Home video by Leslie Sansome. (I like it because there aren't any complicated moves for those of us who are coordination-challenged - you mostly just...walk. It's not a bad workout as I'm getting into shape.) Other than that, I didn't do much to come closer to the life I want to create. And I'm trying to let that be OK.

But I was still suffering. Until a friend emailed me a link to a video of time lapse video of the sky. Watching it and listening to the sweet music - I realized I was breathing deeply for the first time since I don't know when. So why doesn't being outdoors here - or the surrounding areas - make me feel that connected? Is it because I'm usually out in nature with my wife, so I'm not focused on being spiritual and introspective? I want to blame it on the city I live in, which is not pretty. But I know how false blame is. So what's it about? Do I need to set a different tone when we're out walking in the woods?

I sometimes mess with my own mind with thoughts like, "The sun'll burn out in a billion years - it's so far away it's not worth worrying about. But what will the people who are here (if there are any) do?" Then I think about human beings becoming extinct - as we almost certainly will - and that feels disconcerting too. What will it be like as we die off? Like some science fiction story. So it's odd that looking at the sky - which triggers scary, disorienting thoughts like those - made me feel calm, but it did. In the end there is always the sky and the earth, and not much else matters. I'm part of the universe. That's enough.

Hold the Phone! All I Want for Hanukah....

2008-12-13T08:37:00.003-06:00

is a Gnome Bowling Set and an ilogic hat.

Too bad I don't eat sweets. Chocolate Scrabble would be tempting.

I'm all for creativity, but man, people need more to do.

Is an honest governor too much to ask for?

2008-12-10T08:41:00.006-06:00

Illinois - where all the state parks are closed, all the dead people vote, and all the governors get indicted.

(OK, not all of them. Just the majority.)

In the immortal words on Hermoine Granger: "What...an...idiot."

The Near Enemy

2008-12-08T15:40:00.008-06:00

I just finished reading The Cruelest Month by Louise Penny. Loved it, want to have written it, am jealous of how good it is (which I find particularly interesting since one of the themes running through it is jealousy and how destructive it is). It is a real book - meaning not just a mystery novel, but one with interwoven themes, characters who are real, and a thought-provoking story.

I would love to write a book like it, and I don't think I can. I know I need to write the book I can write. But this is precisely what has stopped me from writing. My book is pitifully simplistic in comparison. Actually, my book sucks. I don't say that out of false modesty. It truly sucks.

But I think I have to write it anyway. Last year when I traveled to Madison, I met the adopted daughter of one of my information sources. She has an interesting name (sorry, not sharing - you'll have to read the book) and I asked her mom if it was OK to name a character after the daughter. Mom said yes, but she wouldn't tell her daughter until the book comes out. Mom didn't say this, but daughter has had enough disappointment and false hope in her life.

This weekend while I was in Madison I had dinner with both of them; daughter asked me if I'm going to use her name in it (and if the book will be sold in Madison). Yikes. It's not OK to let children down.

One line in particular from The Cruelest Month sticks with me: "The near enemy. It isn't a person is it? It's ourselves." I think I need to write the book, even if it sucks. Maybe precisely because it sucks.

Camp Wellstone Rocks!

2008-12-08T08:56:00.004-06:00

Just got back from a 2.5 day training in Madison, Wisconsin run by Wellstone Action for people interested in advancing progressive candidates and issues. There are three tracks: Citizen activism, running for office or managing a campaign. I followed the managing a campaign track and learned an incredible amount. It's subsidized and well worth the sliding scale fee. (We also got an incredible deal through the Name Your Own Price program at priceline.com and stayed at the lovely Madison Concourse hotel for a third of what it would have cost otherwise.) I know my wife was concerned that I'd come back even more wound up about politics, but I actually feel calmer and more focused. I understand more about how to be effective politically, which translates to feeling more powerful. I know rage = anger plus shame, and shame is often bound to powerlessness. Though I feel no less angry, I do feel less enraged. I have some idea of how to harness that anger in positive ways. The friend I attended with wanted to know what I thought I would do next with what I learned; I'm not sure yet. I'll keep you up to date.

My Dog, My Litmus Test

2008-12-03T18:48:00.003-06:00

I realized again this morning what a great indicator my dog Merlin is of my spiritual condition. And once again I'm amazed at the insidiousness of blame. It's like a siren call, luring me to my doom. (I imagine blame appearing somewhat like a mermaid sitting on a rock in the ocean saying in a sultry voice: "Come. Come - it's not your fault. It's other people that are the problem….")

I feel guilty because Merlin hasn't been getting walkies as often because it's so slick out. He usually gets a walk in the AM and one in the PM, but now it's too cold and slippery with snow or ice at both those times. My wife's been walking him at lunch, but he's still hopeful in the morning….

I was pretty crabby this morning anyway. I have a cold so I haven't been sleeping well, so I’m exhausted. And I'm crabby about how cluttered our house is. So there was Merlin this morning, following me around and getting under my feet. And I got mad at him about it. Fortunately I have - finally - developed enough self-awareness and (even more important) self-control not to act on my anger. But I caught myself - I realized I was reacting internally to him as if it was his fault I couldn't give him what he wanted. How seductive is that thinking? If you want something that I can't give you, then I have to make you wrong for wanting it. I think we all like to imagine that we can't possibly understand the thinking behind domestic violence - but there it is. I'm uncomfortable with my feelings so I have to blame (or shame) you for doing the thing that's triggering them.

Oy vey. Spiritual growth is a long, slow journey.

There has to be a better way

2008-11-28T18:53:00.003-06:00

The news from India is so sad - and then there's the news that a store employee was trampled to death in NY by people rushing into a store. There's nothing I can do about what happened in India (other than resolve to make my corner of the world as loving and peaceful as possible - starting with me) but I am going to rethink my gifts this year. I've never liked the whole Christmas-being-equated-with-gifts thing, but I've participated. I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here, but I'm revolted. I must vow to do something differently. I'd say I'll make all my gifts, but I know that's not true - and it still doesn't get to the heart of the problem. Maybe no gifts at all. Maybe donations to non-profits? Any ideas? There has to be a better way.

Can Someone Please Explain What an "Extreme Egalitarian Agenda" Is?

2008-11-23T19:55:00.003-06:00

How I admire people who can argue dispassionately about political issues. I feel the same way about that ability as I do the drive to raise children. I'm glad people do it, but I don't understand it at all.

Like many of us, I've been thinking about Prop 8 and same-sex marriage (I'll use the acronym SSM). At The Y Files, an extremely thoughtful blog by Cathy Young, an anonymous poster talked about the fact that SSM has been going on regardless of legal status. I absolutely agree that one of the major missing pieces in this ongoing debate is that SSM is already happening. The only thing that's not legal recognition and rights. So arguments against SSM paint with a much broader brush than is appropriate. I think we need to acknowledge that we're talking about the legalization, not the fact. SSMs have been happening for decades and no one has been hurt. Maybe I'm being too simplistic about this. It's not an issue of the effect it will have, it's an issue of fairness - just as the legalization of mixed-race marriage was.

Then he says "If gays want marriage ...the key is to have children." I agree that children are a driving force behind marriage rights. I'm confused by the connection between that and his next statement concluding "that SSM is a lot of hype and little substance. It's far more the product of extremist egalitarian political agendas than "need" or equity."

I'm married to a woman. She and I know it, regardless of whether the larger society recognizes it. By choice we do not have children, nor will we. It is not hype that I still believe in fairness, regardless of whether I have children who need legal protections. Why shouldn't I get her retirement benefits (or she mine)? I'm fortunate to work for an employer who offers domestic partnership benefits - but I am just as concerned about my cousin and others who do not have that. Why shouldn't my cousin save $8000 a year in health insurance by joining his husband's plan? Why should I have to carry our health care POAs with me at all times in case something happens and the hospital chooses not to recognize our relationship?

Then there's the last comment. I'm truly asking this - not being sarcastic: What is an extremist egalitarian political agenda? How does a society become too fair?

I know it's over - it's still worth watching

2008-11-22T08:07:00.002-06:00

Where have I been that I didn't see this before?

Your Quality Supplier of Liberty and Democracy

2008-11-22T07:26:00.005-06:00

A friend just emailed this to me:

Dear World:

The United States of America, your quality supplier of ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for its 2001-2008 service outage.

The technical fault that led to this eight-year service interruption has been located, and the parts responsible for it were replaced Tuesday night, November 4. Early tests of the newly-installed equipment indicate that it is functioning correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional by mid-January.

We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage, and we look forward to resuming full service. We hope even to improve it in years to come.

Thank you for your patience and understanding,

The USA

Prop 8 - Post Mortem

2008-11-08T20:07:00.008-06:00

It's the Neaderthals v. Mandela - who will win?

The joy and relief about the presidential election has been tempered somewhat by the adoption of Prop 8 in California, outlawing same-sex marriage. There have apparently been protests each night since then - my brother took some awesome pictures.

I feel sadness and frustration with the Neaderthals who think they deserve more rights than I. Those feelings are mixed with anger at the folks on our side who have handled this struggle so badly, in my humble opinion.

I have stopped donating to HRC or any of the other organizations working for the legalization of same sex marriage - because I believe if they had handled the issue differently we could be much further along than we are today.

I worked in the South African studies field for several years - Mandela is one of my heroes. A couple of months ago there was an article in Time Magazine about his leadership style and methods. According to the article, Mandela made decisions based solely on strategy, not principle. Apparently it worked, since he was a vital factor in his country moving from apartheid to majority rule.

If we had followed that model, we wouldn't have used the word marriage at all. We would have quietly gone after the legal and financial rights and left "marriage" out of the equation. Bad strategy has set us back even further than we were several years ago, in fact, since there are (I think) 39 states that now have laws specifically outlawing same sex marriage or stating that a marriage is only between a man and a woman.

And now Richard Kim has an article on The Nation site about how disorganization sunk the effort to stop Prop 8. Oy vey. Aren't we passed this childish approach to political organizing yet? We need to learn from the against-all-odds success of the Obama campaign. My father, who's been politically active in Democratic causes since before I was born, said the Obama campaign was the most organized he'd seen. Ever. What will it take for our organizations to move past ideology and rhetoric and start doing what works? And when will we figure out that being disorganized doesn't work?

Interestingly, a friend emailed me what he meant to be encouragement - that "it is widely believed by civil rights groups that equal rights for same sex couples is inevitable." Is that the problem? That we don't take the fight seriously - we don't think we have to be organized or fight like our lives depend on it - because we think it's inevitable? What kind of cockamamie strategy is THAT?

Electing a Democratic president certainly moves us closer to a Supreme Court that MIGHT move in the direction of true justice for us. But that's not enough. And it's certainly not going to be soon enough. I used to think equal marriage rights would happen in my life time. I don't think that anymore. That's sad enough. But to think that actions on our part have contributed to that is even more pathetic.

Walking His Talk

2008-11-08T18:35:00.004-06:00

From dailykos.com - for anyone who thinks the change message was simply lip service:

Obama Positions Himself to Quickly Reverse Bush Actions on Environmental, Social Issues

By Ceci Connolly and R. Jeffrey Smith
Washington Post Staff Writers
Sunday, November 9, 2008

Transition advisers to President-elect Barack Obama have compiled a list of about 200 Bush administration actions and executive orders that could be swiftly undone to reverse the president on climate change, stem cell research, reproductive rights and other issues, according to congressional Democrats, campaign aides and experts working with the transition team.

A team of four dozen advisers, working for months in virtual solitude, set out to identify regulatory and policy changes Obama could implement soon after his inauguration. The team is now consulting with liberal advocacy groups, Capitol Hill staffers and potential agency chiefs to prioritize those they regard as the most onerous or ideologically offensive, said a top transition official who was not permitted to speak on the record about the inner workings of the transition.

The article specifically states that Obama administration officials will look most particularly at measures that were imposed for "overtly political" reasons.

And all those last minute deregulation binges we've been hearing about the last few days? The ones mostly crapping on the environment? Today's article clarifies:

The list of executive orders targeted by Obama's team could well get longer in the coming days, as Bush's appointees are rushing to enact a number of last-minute policies in an effort to extend his legacy.

Onward!

Amazing, Improbable, and Beautiful

2008-11-08T09:48:00.005-06:00

What an amazing, improbable, beautiful, and moving few days.

The positive and hopeful sentiments pouring into my mailbox have been so heartening. Alice Walker's Open Letter to Barack Obama brought me to tears, though to be fair, everything has been bringing me to tears since Tuesday. The sense of relief I feel is not just emotional, but strongly visceral and physical. My "acquired brother" (to use a phrase of his) (see his fabulous website) described it as "a day that will someday sooth me on my death bed." I understand what he means.

He and I are talking about putting together a book of personal writings from the campaign trail, so if you blogged, or journaled, and would be willing to possibly have us publish your writing, please leave me a comment and I'll contact you. Pictures would be fabulous too, as long as you took them (and therefore own the copyright).

Things Change: Surrounded By Positive Energy

Unlike folks in the Chicago metro area, who live in a blue state, down state Illinois is not blue. Downstate Illinois is rural and much more conservative. A big red dot in a big blue state. I drove to Chicago on Tuesday night, and while I was not at Grant Park, I was so glad to be there the next day. Even though McLean County went blue (by about 900 votes) this year, the red roots of this community run deep. I knew the atmosphere here would be angry and hostile (despite the Pantagraph's endorsement of Obama).

In Chicago, I went to Trader Joe's (bonus!) wearing my Obama shirt. The guy who checked me out saw it and said, "Yes we can." Earlier in the day when I was out walking I said to a woman wearing an Obama button, "It's a good day." She responded, "It's a great day." The feeling in Chicago wasn't euphoric - more calmly tired, happy and hopeful. Balm to my soul.

On the other hand...on the drive home a guy who was walking out of a rest stop as I was walking in saw my shirt and would have killed me with his eyes if he could. I'm trying not to focus on the angry or hostile people because that dovetails with my fear that some will be angry enough to try to take him out.

I went almost immediately into worry about his safety, of course, until someone pointed out that if we can elect him against the odds, maybe we need to apply the "Yes we can" philosophy to keeping him alive. I love that I've already received an email from the campaign asking us all to stay connected and active through www.change.gov (a new organization to facilitate communication with the Obama/Biden Administration. Questions, suggestions, or comments about the federal government, policy, or the coming Obama/Biden Administration? Visit the online Office of the President-elect for more information and to get involved: www.change.gov

Below is an award-winning music video using the words of a Barack speech. Enjoy.

I'm a Believer or Saint Crispian's Day

2008-11-04T05:32:00.004-06:00

Oddly, it was a football analogy that turned me into a believer. My wife, a football fan, finds this hugely amusing. Rachel Maddow's trending report was interesting and all that, but you still have to believe the polls and disbelieve in the Bradley Effect, etc. Then Rachel pointed out that one of the ways to predict who is going to win a football game is to look at who's part of the field the game is being played in. And this game is clearly being played deep into McCain's territory: Indiana and even McCain's home state of Arizona. Obama's apparently actually gained ground in Utah. Amazing. We're certainly not going to take Utah, and I don't think we'll get Indiana, but as of yesterday Indiana had moved to 49% for Obama and 48% for McCain. I think we're actually going to pull this off.

--------------------------------------------

The first votes are in from Dixville Notch, NH (pop. roughly 75, 21 registered voters), which has been the first town to count votes for dozens of years and Obama won by a vote of 15 to 6.

Before we get too excited, according to fivethirtyeight.com there is no historical correlation between how Dixville Notch and the rest of New Hampshire or the country votes. What I do find hopeful, however, is this quote at allheadlinenews.com from Matthew Borghese:

Dixville Notch has a Republican history, voting for President George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004, while previously voting for both President George H.W. Bush in 1992 and Bob Dole in 1996.

--------------------------------------

St. Crispian's Day
From here on, if Barack wins, Nov 4 will forever be known in my world as St. Crispian's Day. There is an amazing brief tribute to everyone who has worked their tails off to make this happen at the fivethirtyeight.com website that includes a quote from Henry V. It brought me to tears because I'm so glad to have been part of something bigger than myself and so right. I had started to mourn the America I loved, and I think it might be back.

Organizers of America,

H-Hour, D-Day is upon you.

After the election, when you can talk, email me your stories, because there's more to say about what you did. [pocket99s@gmail.com]

For the organizers, the volunteers, every damn brave last one of you:

That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

-- William Shakespeare, Henry the DXXXVIII

For he to-day who sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother.

Let's get this thing done. GO VOTE! And drag your friends with you, too.

Adrenaline Junkie on a Fear High

2008-11-01T17:01:00.011-05:00

David Sedaris on undecided voters:

I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they  professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of  attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight  attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it  beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you  prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?"
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask  how the chicken is cooked.
               ________________________________________________________

I just got back from Indiana knocking on doors to get the vote out. I came back feeling very hopeful. The person with whom I canvassed told me that in early voting, Obama has a 21% lead. How anyone knows that is a mystery to me, but that's the rumor. My canvassing partner also told me that the conservative newspaper in Indiana endorsed Obama too. So it was beginning to feel like a public opinion landslide, if not a voting landslide. Then I came home and opened my email to find this from the Obama campaign:

"Here's some ominous news: In the last week, Obama's lead in the national tracking polls has dropped by almost three points (emphasis added). If it keeps dropping, we could be looking at four years of President McCain and Vice President Palin.

Now, don't panic yet. Obama's still ahead. But if you thought it didn't matter whether you helped the campaign this weekend, think again. The election looks like it'll be very, very close. If folks start thinking that Obama's got this one licked, and he doesn't really need their vote, we could be in big trouble.

To win, Obama needs a flood of volunteers in swing states to bring in every possible vote. You can help Obama recruit those volunteers right now—by calling MoveOn members in swing states with our easy-to-use website and asking them to volunteer. All you need is a phone and a computer with internet. Try it for five minutes, and trust us, you'll be hooked.

Don't get mad, don't get scared—get to work. Obama needs us now. "

What the hell is wrong with this country?

Do Not Get Complacent

2008-10-29T17:59:00.004-05:00

From a Politico.com article about the Obama infomercial tonight:

"This is, after all, a campaign scarred by its surprise loss in the New Hampshire primary after polls had shown double-digit leads."

Pray without ceasing. Then make calls or knock on doors. Please.

"Back Away From the Candy Machine"

2008-10-28T18:44:00.004-05:00

I was walking my dog tonight and realized I feel frustrated by my interactions with him sometimes. I snap at him, when I know that my wife, a dog trainer, would say "Leave it" in a way that was authoritative without being mean, and he would obey. I don't know how to do that.

I realized tonight that the problem isn't my sharp tone. It lies further back than that. He was pulling on his lead to smell something. I tugged his lead slightly and said, "Leave it". Almost tentatively. I was being nice and hoping he'd obey. That's like asking your young child to obey you- which, needless to say, doesn't work. So the problem is not that I snap at him the second time. It's my tone and manner the first time that needs to change. If I say it like I mean it the first time, I may not have to say it a second time. (In theory, anyway. I'm new at this dog ownership thing. I'll have to see how it goes.)

This reminded me of the candy machine analogy. Years ago someone told me that once we're standing in front of the candy machine, the battle's already lost. We have to create a life and spirituality that meets our needs completely enough that we don't end up staring at a Snickers bar trying not to buy one. I'm not sure how that applies to some of the current challenges in my life, but I suspect there could be some revelations if I pay attention.

Life in an Alternate Universe

2008-10-26T11:29:00.010-05:00

The events of the past couple weeks would make a great opening for a science fiction story. First a major newspaper (the Chicago Tribune), which has never endorsed a Democratic candidate for president, does so. Shortly after that a highly respected national Republican political and military figure (Colin Powell) endorses the same candidate. Then - even more unbelievable - a small town, conservative newspaper in a semi-rural Midwestern community follows suit. That's right - in the Election 2008 edition of Believe It or Not, the Pantagraph endorsed Barack Obama for president today.

Apparently, I'm living in an alternate reality (also called John McCain's nightmare).

I'd be OK if I'm wrong in my doom saying about Barack's chances. And while I'm still in the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it club, I am looking into the possibility of attending the Inauguration in January. (A few days ago my wife told me I have election-related bipolar disorder. She was only half kidding, and she was more than half right.)

What's next - a landslide victory? (We've moved into the realm of fairy tales now.) Keep the faith - more will be revealed, as people in recovery say.

The Definition of Insanity

2008-10-21T19:44:00.002-05:00

And so it begins....

"Voting Machine Problems Surface in West Virginia
At least three voters have reported that voting machines used in West Virginia refuse to accept a vote for Obama and switched it to McCain. The poll worker said to touch the screen more lightly. He or she might as well have said: "Stand on your left foot and insert your right index finger into your nose while touching the screen with your left pinky." If the software doesn't work, touching the screen differently is not likely to make any difference. Problems like this (the wrong box being checked after someon touches the screen) are easy to detect. What is impossible to detect is a machine that displays the vote as the voter intended but counts it for a different candidate internally.

Fortunately, paper ballots are making a comeback. About 59% of the nation's voters will use paper ballots that will be optically scanned, comparable to college entrance tests. An additional 33% will use electronic voting machines. In principle, there is nothing wrong with electronic voting machines provided that they use open-source code that anyone can inspect, there is a way for the voter to determine that the correct software is running on the machine, and there is a paper ballot printed out that can be deposited in the ballot box to be used for recounts if need be. Voting machines that do not have a voter verified paper audit trail need to be taken out of service immediately. For a rundown of what equipment is used in which states see VerifiedVoting.org."

The info above has been verified by the Charleston Gazette in West Virginia.

The only question is why so many Democrats think we have a snowball's chance to win this. Perhaps the answer lies in the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Indiana, etc

2008-10-19T09:39:00.002-05:00

I spent yesterday knocking on doors in Lafayette, Indiana. The campaign has asked that folks not blog about the experience until after the election (understandably) so all I'll say is that we had a couple good conversations with folks who were undecided, and because I went with a friend, I had fun. Even if you think you can't do it, you can. They tell you how to start conversations, and it felt great to be out there working. I still feel unhopeful, but my stepbrother sent me a pic of the rally in St. Louis, which did my heart good.

Something approximating news

2008-10-16T20:52:00.003-05:00

In case you could use a laugh (who couldn't right now?).
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=187343

Reality, so to speak.

2008-10-16T19:25:00.005-05:00

I have a headache today and since I sort-of not-really occasionally believe in mind/body stuff, I've given some thought as to why my head hurts. I think I've been thinking too much. Or holding too many contradictory thoughts at the same time. (Let's be real - I also need to get more sleep.)

I have a philosophical dilemma. Coming from a background working in the counseling field, I know that perception is reality. I don't want to dismiss Republican's beliefs - if I do, I'm being closed-minded and hateful, which I don't want to be. I like to think that Democrats are more open-minded. How does that fit with the absolute knowledge that we're right about wanting Obama to be elected?

I've been trying to reconcile - or at least understand - how both Republicans and Democrats can have their truths - their realities - and yet Republicans are wrong. Just as we think many people who vote Republican are deluded, many Republicans think that about Democrats. How can we both be right - all the while knowing in my soul that the Republican platform as I understand it is just plain wrong. I don't have an answer (other than get 8 hours of sleep and think about it in the morning).

I do know I'm continuing to take the next actions - I'm heading to Indiana this weekend to knock on doors for Obama, even though I hate doing it and I don't believe he's going to win. (Just received an email from the Obama camp pointing out that Gore was 10 points ahead in the polls at this point too. My point exactly.) I do know that telling myself he's not going to win is a feeble attempt to make myself feel less pain on November 5th. It'll hurt less if I don't believe it will happen, right? Probably not. It's gonna suck whether I let myself feel hope or not. From a mindfulness be-here-now perspective I should just allow myself to hope in this moment and deal with the results when they come in. I'm not sure I can.

I was telling people to pray without ceasing:I said I don't care what you pray to, I don't even care if you don't believe - pray anyway. But I've changed my mind. Don't pray. Go make phone calls and knock on doors - we have no time to spare and we need all the votes we can get.

Election Haiku - 3rd (quickie) edition

2008-10-14T06:18:00.004-05:00

Five companies own

all the media. We hear

only what they want.

*

Will the votes they cast

inside the booth match the words

they speak before then?

Election Haiku, 2nd Ed.

2008-10-11T13:38:00.001-05:00

Our expectations

Of our leaders sink lower.

How low can they go?

Best country ever.

For rich people, that is. Not

So much for others.

Female candidate

Winks and won’t answer questions

And this is progress?

If the worst happens

Find joy as you are able;

Hang on for dear life.

Civil war, world wars

Our country survived them. Now

McCain may kill it.

Who's Responsible?

2008-10-01T17:58:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking about responsibility, and realizing how responsible I feel for fixing the world. Boss has bad communication skills? My job to teach (read: fix) him. Friend allowing her baby to watch TV? A voice in my head (or my gut) says it's my job to tell her that research shows children under 2 shouldn't watch TV. At all. Ever. Wife's organization screwing their employees? For some reason there's a part of me that believes it's my job to call the exec director and explain. Because if they realize how their actions are affecting the employees, of course they'll change it. Someone just needs to tell them. (I won't, of course.)

There are so many problems that accompany feeling that kind of constant fix-the-world responsibility. It takes a tremendous amount of energy, for one thing. Even reminding myself that it's not my job to fix those things is an energy drain.

The second is the arrogance. Feeling responsible for everything and everyone (at least for me) implies incredible egotism, because it means I think I know what people should do.

And there's the codependent piece, which is all tied up with the arrogance. As one of the stories in the AA Big Book says: "I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did." Ouch.

Next on the list: It's what my mother does. No matter what I say or do, she finds the negative in it. It's difficult to be around, not only for me.

Which brings up another piece. In my belief that it's my job to fix the world (and that everyone should agree with me), I have alienated tons of people. I've thought and acted judgmentally towards friends, and lost several that way. I've also caused myself difficulties in work situations - I've made myself very unpopular with bosses (or even the larger organization) because I was always pointing out what was wrong.

I've been trying to apply mindfulness - in fits and starts - as I'm starting to be aware of my distorted thinking. I've been trying to remind myself that all I have to do - in fact, all that it's appropriate for me to do - is listen. Just listen.

The other thing on my mind is that I ran over a cat today (for the first time ever). I was sad about something while driving home and then had no time to react when it darted in front of my car. It was horrible. I came home crying. I let myself cry, because it is sad. I also have to remind myself that this is the cycle of life. Everything dies, and there can be no life without death. That doesn't make it less sad though, and it means that grieving is part of life - which I hate. There was nothing more I could do - other than be more careful about driving when I'm emotional. I don't think that would have changed the outcome, however. So I'm sad. And just trying to let that be. I'm not responsible for changing that, either.

Will There Ever Be Another Democratic President?

2008-09-27T10:48:00.008-05:00

I joked with several folks on Friday that I wanted McCain to win - because whoever inherits this mess of a country is going to be blamed for not being able to clean it up within the next four or eight years.

So let McCain get elected, deal with the mess, then Barak can run and win. Yesterday I really believed I had come to some peace with the idea of a McCain victory. But today as I watch myself sink into yet another election-induced depression, I realize now (and should have yesterday) that I was whistling in the dark.

I despair that we will ever have another Democratic president. While that sounds like an exaggeration, I don't think it is. Nora Ephron's take on the debate last night was one of the first time I've heard one of us liberals speak the truth about how we choose our elected officials. She really, really gets it -- that elections in this country are no longer about substance or issues. They are ONLY about appearances.

Obscene wealth and and years of media deregulation engineered by Republicans (and signed on to by Democrats in Congress) have created a country where many of us simply don't care about reality. Liberals want to believe that many Americans don't understand that the war in Iraq isn't about terrorism. They're wrong. It's not that we don't know; it's that we don't care. As long as there is an appearance of taking action (kicking some ass), we're happy.

I felt some hope after Barak's nomination acceptance speech, which I summed up as: Barak to McCain, "You want to go? Let's go." My dad's response was "Finally a real fight."

And then came last night, when, as Nora Ephron said, "we watched Obama miss opportunity after opportunity to score a knockout punch...." She also commented on "Obama's shirt, which was too loose around his neck, and which was another reason why I thought he had lost the debate -- that, along with his incredibly irritating habit of closing his eyes while standing up." Many people in America make their decisions on who to vote for based on whether candidates "appear" in charge. And sorry, dude, but looking like you got a scrawny chicken neck sticking out of your shirt isn't going to do it for crowd that wants a maverick, "manly" president.

Could it be that women are far more able than men to see who really won - and who will win in November - precisely because we tend to pay more attention to appearances?

So I'm back to those art supplies and reminding myself our country might survive a McCain presidency. I believe Democrats can successfully govern our country. But I'm going to have to do some mental gymnastics to fool myself into believing that we have what it takes to actually get elected.

2008 Election Haiku

2008-09-26T06:57:00.007-05:00

We want our leader
to be like us and that should
make us all afraid.

*

May the force be with
Barak. McCain looks like
Darth Vader with hair.

*

The economy
can not stand more years of this
deregulation.

*

Banks go belly up
because mistakes were made, so
some get a hand slap.

*

Executives who
screwed low income folks
lose some pay. How sad.

*

Executives used
to be paid for successes
Now failure pays too.

*

Our country's future,
Two Supreme Court seats up soon.
The choice is not clear?

*

While the East rises
and our country fades away
I hear Nero play.

*

If the geezer and
the loon are elected, can
Canada be home?

*

If even Karl Rove says
you've gone too far with your lies
is Hell far away?

Taking the Problem Out of the Solution

2008-09-22T19:24:00.010-05:00

I forgot.

I had a conversation last night with some friends about all the ways the Republicans are manipulating voters through the media (they own it, after all). I was sick with anxiety and depression afterwards about the election and what the country could look like with a McCain presidency. I was so wound up I made an appointment to talk with my counselor today.

Her response was that she's been stockpiling art supplies. (She also said Palin is a non-issue. If she becomes VP, she'll have no power except tie breaking and if McCain were to die and she became president, the survivalists would take her out because they wouldn't tolerate a female president. Interesting theory.) My counselor's not an activist, so she's going to hunker down and focus (literally and figuratively) on cleaning up her own backyard. She said her husband told her, "We got through the Civil War and World War I. We can get through this."

He's right, of course. This country survived Vietnam, too. And many people lived through the Holocaust. People have made it through many scary political times. As my counselor said, they just did what they had to in order to get through. They connect with their friends, they cook food and eat it, and they survive until things get better. Thinking about it that way makes me feel like I can breathe again.

We talked about how caught up I was getting in anger and opposition, and here's the thing I forgot: the power of taking the problem out of the solution. It's been a frustration of mine for years with the liberal community. How much time and energy do we spend telling ourselves that we're right and our opposition is wrong? OK - move on. Quit focusing on the problem and move on to the solution. It's like my favorite line in the AA Big Book: When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

I'm not naive enough to think that McCain is going to go away. But he can go away in my head. I can quit (to use another AA cliche) giving him room in my head rent free. Instead of talking about how much more Democrats care about the fate of ALL Americans, let's just move it into the practical realm and get to work. As Dorothy Day said, "No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do."

While I see the truth in that, there are times when I need to sit down and feel hopeless. In fact, it might be more accurate - for me at least - to say: Sometimes I need to sit down and feel hopeless - because there's so much work to do. It's a s@@@ or get off the pot kind of thing. It's when I don't allow myself to fully experience my feelings that they follow me around for days or weeks - like the cloud of filth that always accompanied Pig Pen in the Snoopy cartoons. I stopped trying to "buck up" for a little while this afternoon and let myself feel the depth of my fear and sorrow (and let tears fall for a minute or two). That's all it took. I stopped fighting the feelings and allowed them to surface. Shortly after that I felt more hopeful and cheerful than I had in a couple days. Now I can focus on the solution, which tonight means vacuuming and doing the dishes, then getting ready for my day tomorrow. I'm going to keep it that simple for today.

Holes in Our Hearts

2008-09-21T14:36:00.015-05:00

I've been emotional the past couple days, triggered by David Foster Wallace's death. His loss has affected many people here.

I'm not sure what all my emotion is about, though I'm sure it's not all about him. Some of it is a global sadness when anyone that added something positive to the world dies. Some of it is sorrow for my friends who are struggling to come to terms with the loss of a friend who was apparently a good, kind man, and who they cared about deeply.

I didn't know David - the extent of my interaction was hearing him speak a couple of times - but several of my friends did. One of them asked me a couple days ago if I'd ever read his work. I'd tried years ago - long before I moved here - to read his first novel and couldn't get through it. She suggested I read some of his short pieces and sent me the youtube video of him reading a couple. I'm not sure what made me feel so blown away by it, but as I watched, somehow it became clear to me what a brilliant light the world has lost.

Another of David's friends sat next next to me at a play last night and before the show started we talked about her attempts to understand what had happened. She was struggling to put into words how she felt. As the play was starting, I finally got it. I turned and said to her quietly, "We have to figure out how to live with holes in our hearts."

It's likely that my sorrow is mostly about the holes in my heart I have to learn to live with. I know what some of those holes are, and some I'm still discovering. Losing great artists like David adds a hole, especially when we lose them far too early. (Is there ever a time when we lose brilliant souls that it isn't too early?)

Update: Sept. 27 - Yesterday Salon.com published a wonderful article by Robert Ito about David and his struggles.

Middles

2008-09-19T20:56:00.005-05:00

Last night I googled the "Jesus was a community organizer" bumper sticker. I chose to follow a couple links to conservative sites, because I really want to find something in common with folks who disagree with me politically. There are some Republicans with whom I can talk rationally - my cousin is one - but they are few and far between.

One of the people with whom I could talk was a teacher at a rural school where I worked for several years. During the 2004 election, I took several trips to Wisconsin and Iowa to knock on doors for Kerry. Everyone on the faculty knew I was traveling, and for which side. One of the teachers was very vocal about being a Republican - and the other teachers tried to stir up fights between us - I'm sure it would have been entertaining for them. Much to their disappointment, though, he and I agreed on a lot of issues. We both believe in the importance of the 1st amendment and the separation of church and state, for instance.

I'll admit to feeling somewhat shocked when I brought up the church and state issue and he said, "Only crazy people want to get rid of that." Clearly I don't give people enough credit.

That was driven home again last night. I attended a focus group for the Unitarian Church to which we belong. We're searching for a new minister and the search committee needed some clarity about what the congregation wants. There's often been a conflict between some of the people who have been members for 25 years or so and the newer members. One of the women I think of as part of the "old guard" attended the same group as I, and I was surprised when I heard her say some of the same things I've been saying for a couple years about our congregation: "We like to think that we are involved in social justice issues when we throw money at things, but we're not really."

I was also thinking about middles today because I've received some positive feedback at work, and I don't know how to talk about that. I feel proud of myself, but don't want to brag or be arrogant. I also don't want to downplay my accomplishments. It feels a little bit like trying to find a path through alligator-infested waters - on one side is vanity, pride and arrogance and on the other is false pride and self-denigration. There's gotta be something in the middle. I'll let you know if I find it.

Best Obama Bumpersticker Ever

2008-09-17T20:21:00.004-05:00

A friend told me she saw this on a pin - I have to find or make a bumpersticker:

Jesus was a community organizer.
Herrod was a governor.

Oh the irreverence. It's clear I've been living in conservative-ville for too long. There's even a part of me that worries a little about the sacrilege??? I think I need to go hang out on the Northern Sun website for a little while to get my perspective back.

Where's the power?

2008-09-16T18:44:00.027-05:00

A friend sent me an email today suggesting I add my voice to womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com. I sent a couple sentences.

The return email said "The response has been immense! We've heard from women of all ages from all over the US and internationally. It's incredibly inspiring to read so many intelligent, wise, and impassioned opinions. We are working hard to post everyone's message, but please be patient. There are tens of thousands coming in every day!"

On the one hand, I was glad to hear there's been that kind of response about the pretender to the throne. The more I thought about it, though, the more uncomfortable I became. So I sent another email:

"I appreciate what you all are trying to do. I sent you a comment earlier with misgivings and the more I sit with this, the more uncomfortable I am.

Sarah Palin has already garnered too much press. I don't care about Sarah Palin. I care about health care for poor Americans, and getting out of Iraq, and not selling the environment to the highest bidder. Whenever we get pulled into fighting against something the Republicans do, we are giving them our power. Let's move on. Instead of dedicating a site to trashing Sarah Palin, let's just ignore her and focus on the real issues. She has been a brilliant distraction from the real issues, but that will only work if we let it. Instead of staying in conflict, let's refocus the attention on what WE want to focus on."

I do understand the limitations of this. John Kerry responded to the Swift Boat thing by ignoring it (not dignifying it with a response) and that was a big, big mistake. We need to find a balance - respond quickly, decisively, and strongly - and then move on.

For awhile now I've thought about starting an organization called Rational Americans for Fairness. No flaming or drama allowed, and everyone has to invoke the 24 hour rule before responding to anyone who disagrees with us. Anyone could join regardless of religion or lack thereof, as long as they support women's right to control our own bodies and they believe that I should have the same rights as straight people.

Wouldn't it nice if participating in the revolution were as easy as simply talking about the real issues? Being reasonable doesn't create enough drama, though, to get much press coverage. But maybe that would be a blessing....

Sometimes the path isn't clear at all. Then sometimes....

2008-09-16T18:33:00.008-05:00

A couple days ago one of my Debtors Anonymous sponsees, who's struggling with the concept of a higher power and prayer, asked me to share with him any prayers that I liked and found helpful. I sent one I wrote, but added that the best prayers anyone ever taught me were "Please" and "Thank you."

Yesterday while cooling down from running I realized I needed to correct that. The prayer I find the most helpful, and pray the most, is "Show me the path, and give me the willingness to walk it. And you're going to have to make the path really, REALLY clear so I don't miss it."

Last night my wife brought home some old magazines from the office - a couple of issues of Tricycle, which is a Buddhist magazine (I've been dancing around the idea of starting to practice meditation for awhile now). There is a 28-day Commit to Sit challenge in the magazine about beginning to meditate, which I was reading this morning over breakfast.

Then I heard Sarah Palin's voice on the radio, greeting the screaming crowds in Colorado.

I decided in the interest of my sanity that I needed to take a vow not to talk about anything but work while I was at work today - because if I did, I would either start to cry or scream. I am so disgusted that Obama is behind in the polls. And, as I told my wife, it just confirms my belief that most people in this country are *&^%$@# idiots.

I started driving to work only to be cut off by someone who pretty clearly saw me and decided to jump in front of me anyway. I leaned on my horn. She stuck her hand out and waved. Behind my rolled up car windows, I called her - you guessed it - a *&^%$@# idiot. When I turned onto Main Street and rolled up to a red light, I watched the truck in front of me come up to it and roll right through the red. What a jerk.

THEN - a car to my left honked. The guy was gesturing to me to stop. I thought "What the *&^%$@# does he want? Maybe he wants to get in front of me. Fine, whatever." He merged in front of me - behind the truck that had run the light. Then he turned his flashers on to pull the guy over.

I started grinning and if the cop had made eye contact with me again I would have blown him a kiss. I couldn’t help but laugh - it's pretty clear to me this morning that being angry, bitter, and thinking everyone's a *&^%$@# idiot is not the path the universe wants me to take.

Way More than Two Millimeters Off Enlightened

2008-09-16T18:14:00.008-05:00

A blog...for those of us who strive to grow spiritually, but don't want to give up irreverence or our sense of humor on the way....

In the Winter 2007 issue of Tricycle (which I'm reading now for the first time - and by accident), there is an article called Above the Fray by Huffington Post blogger RJ Eskow. In it he quotes a Buddhist teacher who said, "In an awful lot of Buddhist groups everybody is pretending to be two millimeters off enlightened, but we're not. Even Thich Nhat Hanh talks in one of his books about how somebody stood up and called him a coward when he was giving one of his talks in the U.S. during the Vietnam War. He said he was livid and had to leave the hall."

This blog is for those of us who need to leave the hall more than occasionally. Or don't leave the hall when we should, though at least we have the grace to be embarrassed by our behavior. It's for those of us who admit we're more than two millimeters off enlightened and, for better or worse, are learning to live with that.

I can't speak about Buddhism, as I know virtually nothing about it. All I can speak about is my own experience as a vastly imperfect person trying to be a better human being. I hope you find something useful here. If not, move on and don't look back.

Thanks for listening.