My Dog, My Litmus Test

I realized again this morning what a great indicator my dog Merlin is of my spiritual condition. And once again I'm amazed at the insidiousness of blame. It's like a siren call, luring me to my doom. (I imagine blame appearing somewhat like a mermaid sitting on a rock in the ocean saying in a sultry voice: "Come. Come - it's not your fault. It's other people that are the problem….")

I feel guilty because Merlin hasn't been getting walkies as often because it's so slick out. He usually gets a walk in the AM and one in the PM, but now it's too cold and slippery with snow or ice at both those times. My wife's been walking him at lunch, but he's still hopeful in the morning….

I was pretty crabby this morning anyway. I have a cold so I haven't been sleeping well, so I’m exhausted. And I'm crabby about how cluttered our house is. So there was Merlin this morning, following me around and getting under my feet. And I got mad at him about it. Fortunately I have - finally - developed enough self-awareness and (even more important) self-control not to act on my anger. But I caught myself - I realized I was reacting internally to him as if it was his fault I couldn't give him what he wanted. How seductive is that thinking? If you want something that I can't give you, then I have to make you wrong for wanting it. I think we all like to imagine that we can't possibly understand the thinking behind domestic violence - but there it is. I'm uncomfortable with my feelings so I have to blame (or shame) you for doing the thing that's triggering them.

Oy vey. Spiritual growth is a long, slow journey.