Will There Ever Be Another Democratic President?

I joked with several folks on Friday that I wanted McCain to win - because whoever inherits this mess of a country is going to be blamed for not being able to clean it up within the next four or eight years.

So let McCain get elected, deal with the mess, then Barak can run and win. Yesterday I really believed I had come to some peace with the idea of a McCain victory. But today as I watch myself sink into yet another election-induced depression, I realize now (and should have yesterday) that I was whistling in the dark.

I despair that we will ever have another Democratic president. While that sounds like an exaggeration, I don't think it is. Nora Ephron's take on the debate last night was one of the first time I've heard one of us liberals speak the truth about how we choose our elected officials. She really, really gets it -- that elections in this country are no longer about substance or issues. They are ONLY about appearances.

Obscene wealth and and years of media deregulation engineered by Republicans (and signed on to by Democrats in Congress) have created a country where many of us simply don't care about reality. Liberals want to believe that many Americans don't understand that the war in Iraq isn't about terrorism. They're wrong. It's not that we don't know; it's that we don't care. As long as there is an appearance of taking action (kicking some ass), we're happy.

I felt some hope after Barak's nomination acceptance speech, which I summed up as: Barak to McCain, "You want to go? Let's go." My dad's response was "Finally a real fight."

And then came last night, when, as Nora Ephron said, "we watched Obama miss opportunity after opportunity to score a knockout punch...." She also commented on "Obama's shirt, which was too loose around his neck, and which was another reason why I thought he had lost the debate -- that, along with his incredibly irritating habit of closing his eyes while standing up." Many people in America make their decisions on who to vote for based on whether candidates "appear" in charge. And sorry, dude, but looking like you got a scrawny chicken neck sticking out of your shirt isn't going to do it for crowd that wants a maverick, "manly" president.

Could it be that women are far more able than men to see who really won - and who will win in November - precisely because we tend to pay more attention to appearances?

So I'm back to those art supplies and reminding myself our country might survive a McCain presidency. I believe Democrats can successfully govern our country. But I'm going to have to do some mental gymnastics to fool myself into believing that we have what it takes to actually get elected.

2008 Election Haiku

We want our leader
to be like us and that should
make us all afraid.

*

May the force be with
Barak. McCain looks like
Darth Vader with hair.

*

The economy
can not stand more years of this
deregulation.

*

Banks go belly up
because mistakes were made, so
some get a hand slap.

*

Executives who
screwed low income folks
lose some pay. How sad.

*

Executives used
to be paid for successes
Now failure pays too.

*

Our country's future,
Two Supreme Court seats up soon.
The choice is not clear?

*

While the East rises
and our country fades away
I hear Nero play.

*

If the geezer and
the loon are elected, can
Canada be home?

*

If even Karl Rove says
you've gone too far with your lies
is Hell far away?

Taking the Problem Out of the Solution

I forgot.

I had a conversation last night with some friends about all the ways the Republicans are manipulating voters through the media (they own it, after all). I was sick with anxiety and depression afterwards about the election and what the country could look like with a McCain presidency. I was so wound up I made an appointment to talk with my counselor today.

Her response was that she's been stockpiling art supplies. (She also said Palin is a non-issue. If she becomes VP, she'll have no power except tie breaking and if McCain were to die and she became president, the survivalists would take her out because they wouldn't tolerate a female president. Interesting theory.) My counselor's not an activist, so she's going to hunker down and focus (literally and figuratively) on cleaning up her own backyard. She said her husband told her, "We got through the Civil War and World War I. We can get through this."

He's right, of course. This country survived Vietnam, too. And many people lived through the Holocaust. People have made it through many scary political times. As my counselor said, they just did what they had to in order to get through. They connect with their friends, they cook food and eat it, and they survive until things get better. Thinking about it that way makes me feel like I can breathe again.

We talked about how caught up I was getting in anger and opposition, and here's the thing I forgot: the power of taking the problem out of the solution. It's been a frustration of mine for years with the liberal community. How much time and energy do we spend telling ourselves that we're right and our opposition is wrong? OK - move on. Quit focusing on the problem and move on to the solution. It's like my favorite line in the AA Big Book: When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

I'm not naive enough to think that McCain is going to go away. But he can go away in my head. I can quit (to use another AA cliche) giving him room in my head rent free. Instead of talking about how much more Democrats care about the fate of ALL Americans, let's just move it into the practical realm and get to work. As Dorothy Day said, "No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do."

While I see the truth in that, there are times when I need to sit down and feel hopeless. In fact, it might be more accurate - for me at least - to say: Sometimes I need to sit down and feel hopeless - because there's so much work to do. It's a s@@@ or get off the pot kind of thing. It's when I don't allow myself to fully experience my feelings that they follow me around for days or weeks - like the cloud of filth that always accompanied Pig Pen in the Snoopy cartoons. I stopped trying to "buck up" for a little while this afternoon and let myself feel the depth of my fear and sorrow (and let tears fall for a minute or two). That's all it took. I stopped fighting the feelings and allowed them to surface. Shortly after that I felt more hopeful and cheerful than I had in a couple days. Now I can focus on the solution, which tonight means vacuuming and doing the dishes, then getting ready for my day tomorrow. I'm going to keep it that simple for today.

Holes in Our Hearts

I've been emotional the past couple days, triggered by David Foster Wallace's death. His loss has affected many people here.

I'm not sure what all my emotion is about, though I'm sure it's not all about him. Some of it is a global sadness when anyone that added something positive to the world dies. Some of it is sorrow for my friends who are struggling to come to terms with the loss of a friend who was apparently a good, kind man, and who they cared about deeply.

I didn't know David - the extent of my interaction was hearing him speak a couple of times - but several of my friends did. One of them asked me a couple days ago if I'd ever read his work. I'd tried years ago - long before I moved here - to read his first novel and couldn't get through it. She suggested I read some of his short pieces and sent me the youtube video of him reading a couple. I'm not sure what made me feel so blown away by it, but as I watched, somehow it became clear to me what a brilliant light the world has lost.

Another of David's friends sat next next to me at a play last night and before the show started we talked about her attempts to understand what had happened. She was struggling to put into words how she felt. As the play was starting, I finally got it. I turned and said to her quietly, "We have to figure out how to live with holes in our hearts."

It's likely that my sorrow is mostly about the holes in my heart I have to learn to live with. I know what some of those holes are, and some I'm still discovering. Losing great artists like David adds a hole, especially when we lose them far too early. (Is there ever a time when we lose brilliant souls that it isn't too early?)

Update: Sept. 27 - Yesterday Salon.com published a wonderful article by Robert Ito about David and his struggles.

Middles

Last night I googled the "Jesus was a community organizer" bumper sticker. I chose to follow a couple links to conservative sites, because I really want to find something in common with folks who disagree with me politically. There are some Republicans with whom I can talk rationally - my cousin is one - but they are few and far between.

One of the people with whom I could talk was a teacher at a rural school where I worked for several years. During the 2004 election, I took several trips to Wisconsin and Iowa to knock on doors for Kerry. Everyone on the faculty knew I was traveling, and for which side. One of the teachers was very vocal about being a Republican - and the other teachers tried to stir up fights between us - I'm sure it would have been entertaining for them. Much to their disappointment, though, he and I agreed on a lot of issues. We both believe in the importance of the 1st amendment and the separation of church and state, for instance.

I'll admit to feeling somewhat shocked when I brought up the church and state issue and he said, "Only crazy people want to get rid of that." Clearly I don't give people enough credit.

That was driven home again last night. I attended a focus group for the Unitarian Church to which we belong. We're searching for a new minister and the search committee needed some clarity about what the congregation wants. There's often been a conflict between some of the people who have been members for 25 years or so and the newer members. One of the women I think of as part of the "old guard" attended the same group as I, and I was surprised when I heard her say some of the same things I've been saying for a couple years about our congregation: "We like to think that we are involved in social justice issues when we throw money at things, but we're not really."

I was also thinking about middles today because I've received some positive feedback at work, and I don't know how to talk about that. I feel proud of myself, but don't want to brag or be arrogant. I also don't want to downplay my accomplishments. It feels a little bit like trying to find a path through alligator-infested waters - on one side is vanity, pride and arrogance and on the other is false pride and self-denigration. There's gotta be something in the middle. I'll let you know if I find it.

Best Obama Bumpersticker Ever

A friend told me she saw this on a pin - I have to find or make a bumpersticker:

Jesus was a community organizer.
Herrod was a governor.

Oh the irreverence. It's clear I've been living in conservative-ville for too long. There's even a part of me that worries a little about the sacrilege??? I think I need to go hang out on the Northern Sun website for a little while to get my perspective back.

Where's the power?

A friend sent me an email today suggesting I add my voice to womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com. I sent a couple sentences.

The return email said "The response has been immense! We've heard from women of all ages from all over the US and internationally. It's incredibly inspiring to read so many intelligent, wise, and impassioned opinions. We are working hard to post everyone's message, but please be patient. There are tens of thousands coming in every day!"

On the one hand, I was glad to hear there's been that kind of response about the pretender to the throne. The more I thought about it, though, the more uncomfortable I became. So I sent another email:

"I appreciate what you all are trying to do. I sent you a comment earlier with misgivings and the more I sit with this, the more uncomfortable I am.

Sarah Palin has already garnered too much press. I don't care about Sarah Palin. I care about health care for poor Americans, and getting out of Iraq, and not selling the environment to the highest bidder. Whenever we get pulled into fighting against something the Republicans do, we are giving them our power. Let's move on. Instead of dedicating a site to trashing Sarah Palin, let's just ignore her and focus on the real issues. She has been a brilliant distraction from the real issues, but that will only work if we let it. Instead of staying in conflict, let's refocus the attention on what WE want to focus on."

I do understand the limitations of this. John Kerry responded to the Swift Boat thing by ignoring it (not dignifying it with a response) and that was a big, big mistake. We need to find a balance - respond quickly, decisively, and strongly - and then move on.

For awhile now I've thought about starting an organization called Rational Americans for Fairness. No flaming or drama allowed, and everyone has to invoke the 24 hour rule before responding to anyone who disagrees with us. Anyone could join regardless of religion or lack thereof, as long as they support women's right to control our own bodies and they believe that I should have the same rights as straight people.

Wouldn't it nice if participating in the revolution were as easy as simply talking about the real issues? Being reasonable doesn't create enough drama, though, to get much press coverage. But maybe that would be a blessing....

Sometimes the path isn't clear at all. Then sometimes....

A couple days ago one of my Debtors Anonymous sponsees, who's struggling with the concept of a higher power and prayer, asked me to share with him any prayers that I liked and found helpful. I sent one I wrote, but added that the best prayers anyone ever taught me were "Please" and "Thank you."

Yesterday while cooling down from running I realized I needed to correct that. The prayer I find the most helpful, and pray the most, is "Show me the path, and give me the willingness to walk it. And you're going to have to make the path really, REALLY clear so I don't miss it."

Last night my wife brought home some old magazines from the office - a couple of issues of Tricycle, which is a Buddhist magazine (I've been dancing around the idea of starting to practice meditation for awhile now). There is a 28-day Commit to Sit challenge in the magazine about beginning to meditate, which I was reading this morning over breakfast.

Then I heard Sarah Palin's voice on the radio, greeting the screaming crowds in Colorado.

I decided in the interest of my sanity that I needed to take a vow not to talk about anything but work while I was at work today - because if I did, I would either start to cry or scream. I am so disgusted that Obama is behind in the polls. And, as I told my wife, it just confirms my belief that most people in this country are *&^%$@# idiots.

I started driving to work only to be cut off by someone who pretty clearly saw me and decided to jump in front of me anyway. I leaned on my horn. She stuck her hand out and waved. Behind my rolled up car windows, I called her - you guessed it - a *&^%$@# idiot. When I turned onto Main Street and rolled up to a red light, I watched the truck in front of me come up to it and roll right through the red. What a jerk.

THEN - a car to my left honked. The guy was gesturing to me to stop. I thought "What the *&^%$@# does he want? Maybe he wants to get in front of me. Fine, whatever." He merged in front of me - behind the truck that had run the light. Then he turned his flashers on to pull the guy over.

I started grinning and if the cop had made eye contact with me again I would have blown him a kiss. I couldn’t help but laugh - it's pretty clear to me this morning that being angry, bitter, and thinking everyone's a *&^%$@# idiot is not the path the universe wants me to take.

Way More than Two Millimeters Off Enlightened

A blog...for those of us who strive to grow spiritually, but don't want to give up irreverence or our sense of humor on the way....

In the Winter 2007 issue of Tricycle (which I'm reading now for the first time - and by accident), there is an article called Above the Fray by Huffington Post blogger RJ Eskow. In it he quotes a Buddhist teacher who said, "In an awful lot of Buddhist groups everybody is pretending to be two millimeters off enlightened, but we're not. Even Thich Nhat Hanh talks in one of his books about how somebody stood up and called him a coward when he was giving one of his talks in the U.S. during the Vietnam War. He said he was livid and had to leave the hall."

This blog is for those of us who need to leave the hall more than occasionally. Or don't leave the hall when we should, though at least we have the grace to be embarrassed by our behavior. It's for those of us who admit we're more than two millimeters off enlightened and, for better or worse, are learning to live with that.

I can't speak about Buddhism, as I know virtually nothing about it. All I can speak about is my own experience as a vastly imperfect person trying to be a better human being. I hope you find something useful here. If not, move on and don't look back.

Thanks for listening.