The Option to Suffer

I've been thinking a lot about suffering. I was told by a therapist that suffering for me is like breathing. I hated hearing it, and she's right. Since then I've let go of some of it, and I continue to work. I've been unhappy with myself lately, though, and suffering because of it. I'm a jackass in my car. I'm impatient and rude and obnoxious. I hate admitting that. Not all the time, but often. It's a great indicator of my spiritual condition. I used to take pride in letting folks in front of me because I didn't care to get there sooner. I was going to a lot more meetings then - reading spiritual literature often. Hmmm - not rocket science. But knowing what I need to do to make my life better doesn't mean I do it.

I've just started working with a personal coach (check out www.candyspitz.com). She and I talked last week and came up with a great plan of all these things I was going to do - I did a couple of them, but not consistently. I have been working on being more physically active. I did some fitness walking in the concourse yesterday, ran up three flights of stairs and a couple times this week did the Walk at Home video by Leslie Sansome. (I like it because there aren't any complicated moves for those of us who are coordination-challenged - you mostly just...walk. It's not a bad workout as I'm getting into shape.) Other than that, I didn't do much to come closer to the life I want to create. And I'm trying to let that be OK.

But I was still suffering. Until a friend emailed me a link to a video of time lapse video of the sky. Watching it and listening to the sweet music - I realized I was breathing deeply for the first time since I don't know when. So why doesn't being outdoors here - or the surrounding areas - make me feel that connected? Is it because I'm usually out in nature with my wife, so I'm not focused on being spiritual and introspective? I want to blame it on the city I live in, which is not pretty. But I know how false blame is. So what's it about? Do I need to set a different tone when we're out walking in the woods?

I sometimes mess with my own mind with thoughts like, "The sun'll burn out in a billion years - it's so far away it's not worth worrying about. But what will the people who are here (if there are any) do?" Then I think about human beings becoming extinct - as we almost certainly will - and that feels disconcerting too. What will it be like as we die off? Like some science fiction story. So it's odd that looking at the sky - which triggers scary, disorienting thoughts like those - made me feel calm, but it did. In the end there is always the sky and the earth, and not much else matters. I'm part of the universe. That's enough.