The Cost of Not Teaching Emotional Literacy

Today when I logged on to check my email, there was an article about an Alabama professor who shot several colleagues, apparently because she was resentful about being denied tenure. There’s more history there clearly – she shot and killed her 18-year-old brother in 1986 in what she said was an accident. And several times people interviewed referred to her as “odd.” (Sounds like Asperger’s to me.) So no conclusions – it’s way more complicated than just resentment. And yet I can’t help wondering about how much of a factor blame is. How much her inability to deal with disappointment contributed. It’s not just her, of course. I hate disappointment as much as the next person, and I love to blame my feelings on others. It’s a cultural thing.

Yesterday my friend F and I were listening to the first CD of Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication. He said there’s been research done and that cultures that use less violent language have (not surprisingly) exhibit less violence.

What’s the cure? I can’t fix the culture – hell, I can’t even fix myself. I just keep observing and gathering in and praying. I think that’s all we can do.

The Chiropractor's Response

Verbatim:

Julia,

Sorry for the delay in sending a response to your letter, I have been out of town for awhile. I take these issues very much to heart. Thank you for expressing your concerns. I can only correct a problem if I know it exists, so I appreciate your comments. First of all I want to express my sincere apology that you felt threatened by my office. People put a lot of trust in us to help them with healing, and I have always strived to create an uplifting and safe environment for my patients. This was obviously not the case with you. I have had a lengthy discussion with Jason since receiving your letter. He is very passionate about his beliefs, and it is difficult for him to turn that off while at work. I have made it very clear with him that actions were inappropriate, and I do not expect that they will happen again.

I very much enjoyed working with you, and you seem to be a wonderful person who does more than your share of good for the community.

I am glad to hear that your chiropractic experience in our office was good, and I am disappointed that I will not have the chance to help you with your condition. Ryan McLaughlin and Monica Schnack are very good chiropractors, and close to my office. I would recommend either of them, if you wish to continue care.

Again, I apologize for the actions of my staff, and I am truly sorry that you were hurt. I wish you much happiness and success in life.

Sincerely,

______________

Letter to the Chiropractor I Won't See Again

January 10, 2010

Dr. _______,

I won’t be returning to your office for treatment and I want to explain why.

I am pleased with the medical care I received. Your biomechanical exam was the most complete I’ve had. Thank you for your thoroughness and care. The quality of the care you provided made my decision not to return particularly difficult. The problem is that I no longer feel emotionally safe in your offices, because of a conversation I had last week with ______, the young man who provides ultrasound treatment.

While working on my neck and shoulders, he and I talked about his plans to be a teacher and his current volunteer work teaching Sunday school in Sunnyside – both of which I am impressed by and commended him for. _____ then asked me if I attend church. I told him we had been attending the Unitarian Church because it is one of the only places we feel welcomed as a same-sex couple – and I added that I think it’s ridiculous that we don’t feel welcome at other churches. _____’s response was, “Well, if you believe in the Bible, it’s a problem.”

I told him I see it as a spirit-of-the-law rather than a letter-of-the-law thing. He asked what I meant, and I said, “God either loves us or he doesn’t. I didn’t choose to be the way I am (who would?) and I don’t believe God would have made me this way if he didn’t want me to be this way.” _____ said he has been given the choice about what behavior to engage in. I told him that I believe God loves me exactly as I am, to which he responded, “Well, there’s the concept of loving the sinner and hating the sin.”

We were finished with my treatment and as I got up to leave I asked him if he’d chosen to be attracted to women. He said no, and I responded, “Neither did I.”
My heart hurt all the way home and I spent most of the evening on the phone with friends dealing with my pain and sadness. No one has ever had the nerve to call my relationship a sin to my face before.

As a business owner, you are no doubt aware that telling your patients that their behavior is sinful is a poor business practice. I have many friends in this community – some straight, some not, some Christian, some not. All of them will be appalled when I tell them this story – and I will tell all of them. The ones with whom I’ve already talked certainly have been disturbed by it.

I’m sure you are also cognizant as a healer that restoring health requires safe space. Making one of your patients feel hurt, judged, and unwelcome isn’t very conducive to healing.

_____’s attitude also worries me for the students with whom he will interact. Suicide rates among gay and lesbian youth are much higher than in the general population. Will he respond in the same judgmental way when one of his students confides that he’s gay? Everyone deserves to feel supported and accepted for who they are.

My spouse and I are both active and productive members of this community. We’ve served on committees at our church, helped prepare meals for Home Sweet Home mission, volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, the Fuller Center, the McLean County Arts Center and the public radio station, among others. My spouse traveled three times to Mississippi, using her vacation time to help with rebuilding efforts following Katrina.

Being in a loving, healthy relationship has made much of that possible, because being loved enables us to pass it on to others. I don’t know if you agree with Jason’s views or not, but I hope not. I personally don’t believe that anything that brings more love into the world is wrong in God’s eyes.

I wish both you and _____ only love and joy.

Many blessings,

L is for Lines

Lines in my face
Seem most unkind
Cause I'm still 33
In the back of my mind.

But there they are now
As clear as can be
They began to appear
When I turned 43.

It's really not bad -
They're a map of my life
Without all those miles
I'd have not met my wife.

K is for Knees - ABCs for the Aging

K is for knees.

I miss them alot -
they served me quite well.
Now they ache and they pop
and sure feel like hell.

Public Radio Listeners - Smart and Cool

I helped answer phones yesterday at our local public radio station (WGLT News, Blues and All That Jazz @ www.wglt.org). After a conversation with one of the staff, I drew the following diagram. Thanks to Jessica Hagy (www.thisisindexed.com) and Aaron Wissmiller for the inspiration.

J is for Joints

Seems all of a sudden
the damn things now ache
Some_times late at night
they keep me awake.

None are artificial
but the day is surely coming;
when I'm finally all bionic
I hope to resume running.

Credit for this one primarily goes to my spouse.

I is for Irritable - a bonus rhyme

I is for Irritable.

What is wrong with these drivers?
Some too slow, some too fast.
Being patient, it seems,
is a thing of the past.

I is for Ice

The bar has been raised. My sweetie contributed most of the first multi-stanza rhyme:

I is for Ice.

Cold packs in my freezer
I use day and night
On parts of my body
That don't feel quite right.

They ache and they swell
When I use them a lot.
So much inflammation -
And then they feel hot.

So now at day's end
Ice and I are good friends -
While it does me no harm,
Now I cannot get warm.

H is for Humor

H is for humor.

While at times it looks bleak
as we crest that old hill
we must laugh at ourselves
for others sure will.