Who's Responsible?

I've been thinking about responsibility, and realizing how responsible I feel for fixing the world. Boss has bad communication skills? My job to teach (read: fix) him. Friend allowing her baby to watch TV? A voice in my head (or my gut) says it's my job to tell her that research shows children under 2 shouldn't watch TV. At all. Ever. Wife's organization screwing their employees? For some reason there's a part of me that believes it's my job to call the exec director and explain. Because if they realize how their actions are affecting the employees, of course they'll change it. Someone just needs to tell them. (I won't, of course.)

There are so many problems that accompany feeling that kind of constant fix-the-world responsibility. It takes a tremendous amount of energy, for one thing. Even reminding myself that it's not my job to fix those things is an energy drain.

The second is the arrogance. Feeling responsible for everything and everyone (at least for me) implies incredible egotism, because it means I think I know what people should do.

And there's the codependent piece, which is all tied up with the arrogance. As one of the stories in the AA Big Book says: "I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did." Ouch.

Next on the list: It's what my mother does. No matter what I say or do, she finds the negative in it. It's difficult to be around, not only for me.

Which brings up another piece. In my belief that it's my job to fix the world (and that everyone should agree with me), I have alienated tons of people. I've thought and acted judgmentally towards friends, and lost several that way. I've also caused myself difficulties in work situations - I've made myself very unpopular with bosses (or even the larger organization) because I was always pointing out what was wrong.

I've been trying to apply mindfulness - in fits and starts - as I'm starting to be aware of my distorted thinking. I've been trying to remind myself that all I have to do - in fact, all that it's appropriate for me to do - is listen. Just listen.

The other thing on my mind is that I ran over a cat today (for the first time ever). I was sad about something while driving home and then had no time to react when it darted in front of my car. It was horrible. I came home crying. I let myself cry, because it is sad. I also have to remind myself that this is the cycle of life. Everything dies, and there can be no life without death. That doesn't make it less sad though, and it means that grieving is part of life - which I hate. There was nothing more I could do - other than be more careful about driving when I'm emotional. I don't think that would have changed the outcome, however. So I'm sad. And just trying to let that be. I'm not responsible for changing that, either.

Taking the Problem Out of the Solution

I forgot.

I had a conversation last night with some friends about all the ways the Republicans are manipulating voters through the media (they own it, after all). I was sick with anxiety and depression afterwards about the election and what the country could look like with a McCain presidency. I was so wound up I made an appointment to talk with my counselor today.

Her response was that she's been stockpiling art supplies. (She also said Palin is a non-issue. If she becomes VP, she'll have no power except tie breaking and if McCain were to die and she became president, the survivalists would take her out because they wouldn't tolerate a female president. Interesting theory.) My counselor's not an activist, so she's going to hunker down and focus (literally and figuratively) on cleaning up her own backyard. She said her husband told her, "We got through the Civil War and World War I. We can get through this."

He's right, of course. This country survived Vietnam, too. And many people lived through the Holocaust. People have made it through many scary political times. As my counselor said, they just did what they had to in order to get through. They connect with their friends, they cook food and eat it, and they survive until things get better. Thinking about it that way makes me feel like I can breathe again.

We talked about how caught up I was getting in anger and opposition, and here's the thing I forgot: the power of taking the problem out of the solution. It's been a frustration of mine for years with the liberal community. How much time and energy do we spend telling ourselves that we're right and our opposition is wrong? OK - move on. Quit focusing on the problem and move on to the solution. It's like my favorite line in the AA Big Book: When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

I'm not naive enough to think that McCain is going to go away. But he can go away in my head. I can quit (to use another AA cliche) giving him room in my head rent free. Instead of talking about how much more Democrats care about the fate of ALL Americans, let's just move it into the practical realm and get to work. As Dorothy Day said, "No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do."

While I see the truth in that, there are times when I need to sit down and feel hopeless. In fact, it might be more accurate - for me at least - to say: Sometimes I need to sit down and feel hopeless - because there's so much work to do. It's a s@@@ or get off the pot kind of thing. It's when I don't allow myself to fully experience my feelings that they follow me around for days or weeks - like the cloud of filth that always accompanied Pig Pen in the Snoopy cartoons. I stopped trying to "buck up" for a little while this afternoon and let myself feel the depth of my fear and sorrow (and let tears fall for a minute or two). That's all it took. I stopped fighting the feelings and allowed them to surface. Shortly after that I felt more hopeful and cheerful than I had in a couple days. Now I can focus on the solution, which tonight means vacuuming and doing the dishes, then getting ready for my day tomorrow. I'm going to keep it that simple for today.