Who's Responsible?

I've been thinking about responsibility, and realizing how responsible I feel for fixing the world. Boss has bad communication skills? My job to teach (read: fix) him. Friend allowing her baby to watch TV? A voice in my head (or my gut) says it's my job to tell her that research shows children under 2 shouldn't watch TV. At all. Ever. Wife's organization screwing their employees? For some reason there's a part of me that believes it's my job to call the exec director and explain. Because if they realize how their actions are affecting the employees, of course they'll change it. Someone just needs to tell them. (I won't, of course.)

There are so many problems that accompany feeling that kind of constant fix-the-world responsibility. It takes a tremendous amount of energy, for one thing. Even reminding myself that it's not my job to fix those things is an energy drain.

The second is the arrogance. Feeling responsible for everything and everyone (at least for me) implies incredible egotism, because it means I think I know what people should do.

And there's the codependent piece, which is all tied up with the arrogance. As one of the stories in the AA Big Book says: "I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did." Ouch.

Next on the list: It's what my mother does. No matter what I say or do, she finds the negative in it. It's difficult to be around, not only for me.

Which brings up another piece. In my belief that it's my job to fix the world (and that everyone should agree with me), I have alienated tons of people. I've thought and acted judgmentally towards friends, and lost several that way. I've also caused myself difficulties in work situations - I've made myself very unpopular with bosses (or even the larger organization) because I was always pointing out what was wrong.

I've been trying to apply mindfulness - in fits and starts - as I'm starting to be aware of my distorted thinking. I've been trying to remind myself that all I have to do - in fact, all that it's appropriate for me to do - is listen. Just listen.

The other thing on my mind is that I ran over a cat today (for the first time ever). I was sad about something while driving home and then had no time to react when it darted in front of my car. It was horrible. I came home crying. I let myself cry, because it is sad. I also have to remind myself that this is the cycle of life. Everything dies, and there can be no life without death. That doesn't make it less sad though, and it means that grieving is part of life - which I hate. There was nothing more I could do - other than be more careful about driving when I'm emotional. I don't think that would have changed the outcome, however. So I'm sad. And just trying to let that be. I'm not responsible for changing that, either.